Week 3: Burning of Memories

    While I do think burning a private journal is a good choice for some people, I personally would not choose to burn my diaries. I would rather go through and edit/censor myself instead of losing everything in the blaze. If I were unable to do this myself I would have to trust a friend or family member to do so for me. I would choose to trust a close friend first as they would have a bit more objectivity and less emotional connection to my thoughts than, for example, my sister. I would trust them to take out whatever didn't need to be shared with the world, rather than throwing away all of my private musings. It would feel like burning memories, not only the bad but also the good. Diaries are used to chronicle daily life with its ups and its downs, from major events to small occurrences. I would want my family and friends to be able to read about my happiest moments in those small and large ways and understand the ways they positively impacted me; I know I wish I could've done the same with some of lost loved one's undiscovered journals. Keeping my diaries gives me the opportunity to leave behind a piece of myself for my loved one's, but it is crucial to determine what exact parts of myself I want to be remembered.  While most people write diaries expecting them to be kept private, I do think it can be a good thing to share those entries with others one day. I would only want to remove entries that revealed information I thought was too personal or affected others in a negative manner, such as by admitting other's secrets, etc. I would not want people to know everything about me, especially in my darkest moments.

    For this reason, I was able to understand Dominique Browning's point in setting her journals ablaze in her article "Burning the Diaries". She did not want her children to one day read her journals and have to learn about their mother's suffering and poor life choices, she wanted them to remember her as the strong woman she tried to be for them. While I do think this makes sense, I also believe sometimes children need to see that pain. Her sons are no longer children as she states that they are growing up fast and may soon be out of her nest; They are not innocents that still need protecting from the truth. Showing that vulnerability and that pain to others is a great chance to deepen the emotional relationships she (and myself ) have with those people. If someone never sees a person suffer or falter, that person is more heroic than human to them. I would want my children to see some of my pain and recognize how strong I truly was for surviving that suffering, rather than pretend to have always been a confident and secure woman. I have had many people in my life attempt to set that sort of example, but it has never been beneficial; It has only made their example feel unattainable. 

    I would never want those who are close to me to feel that I was some artificial and too perfect being that never felt the pains that others do; I would want them to see that pain and love me even more for it. However, this is where I would also choose to remove some entries. I would never want my children or my family and friends to read about the true depth of my pain and suffering throughout life. While it is reassuring to know that someone you love has flaws and pains just like you, they do not need to know how bad that suffering could be. Sometimes while in these moments of suffering, I have felt alone and unloved and have expressed these emotions in my own journals. I would never want someone I love to read these moments as I would never want them to blame themselves or feel inadequate solely due to my own sad thoughts in a moment of weakness. Everyone has dark moments and emotions throughout their life and sometimes there are just some thoughts that should never be shared with others; Whether it's hurtful or too depressing, some things should just be censored from others. These are the only entries I would choose to remove entirely from my diaries. 

    Nowadays, I would never read someone else's diary unless they permitted it. When I was younger, I would have jumped at the chance to poke through someone's private thoughts as that youthful innocence and curiosity still thrived in my mind. However, as I got older and the harsh realities of what can happen when you are given unfiltered access to another's thoughts hit me, I learned not to poke around in other's private musings. Miles Kingston expressed a similar point in his article "Some day someone will read your journal of record" as he states that journals always hold that imminent danger of someone reading your private thoughts. I have actually had this happen to me a few years ago while I was overseas as a family claimed to have 'accidentally' found my private journal open and read through it. This family member was extremely upset about everything she had read and threw herself into a emotional spiral by reading about my private sufferings and struggles. Some things are kept hidden to protect not just the writer, but those around them as well. This event sent shock waves through our entire family as news quickly spread about the issues really going on with me and people grew concerned. However, while a diary is a safe space to admit your deepest thoughts and feelings, it is also a place to safely exaggerate to ease your own mind. 

    Jenny Alexander discusses a similar point in her own blog post "Why you should never read someone else's journal" as she state's that diaries are merely fractures of a person's thoughts, quick jottings not intended to reflect the writer's whole self. Diaries are not always accurate or all encompassing, they are merely meant to reflect and/or make observations on yourself or the world. Other's reading these writings was never intended as it was only about having a chance to vent, not needing help from them. Once people snoop into other's private diaries, they run the risk of not only finding information they do not like but also feeling obligated to involve themselves in the situation, even though they'd never actually been invited into it but rather forced their way in. 

    Because of this, I would never want someone to look through my unedited diaries, but I would want them to read through the moments I found impactful and beneficial to them. I want my diaries to have a purpose, not just random thoughts thrown onto a page. Editing these diaries allows me to keep the too personal information out while also still allowing me to express my true thoughts and emotions to the readers.