Week 3: A Match and Kerosene

At some point in time, I would prefer my journals to be burned. Whether that will be done posthumously, I don't know. It would be cool to make a large bonfire and chuck them in. Yeah I think I'd do that. I'll pack them up and drive north to the family cabin. When I get there, I'll make the fire and unload the boxes. Then as the fire roars I'll sift through the pages, reminiscing. The harsh memories will rear their ugly heads. The happy times will warm my heart. I'll remember my past-

Then watch it burn. 

I don't mean to say I want the past completely wiped out. There are definitely good memories I'll cherish forever and there will be good times in the future that will become my past as well. However, there is more to it.

I try my absolute hardest to be present. I've spent so many thoughts on the past and future it paralyzes me. The days I could've spent living I often think to myself. That feeling of regret haunts me. 

I do my best to harness these thoughts into my personal writing. When I write in journals (which isn't often) I focus on what I'm feeling at that moment. And in that present moment, I'm thinking about the past or future. What mistakes have I made? What will my life be like in twenty years? What did I do last week? What will I do this week? Now I'm getting off track... let me divert back on course.

My journals are personal. I don't want people to see them. Not my loved ones, friends, or peers. They're for my eyes only. Journals/diaries bring out the best and worst in me. They are private thoughts and feelings. If I'm world-famous by the time I die, then it might be a different story, give people a glimpse into whatever life I lived. But for now, I'm just me. I'm already private and a little self-conscious as is. I don't want people to think any less of me. 
 
In my opinion, journals/diaries are for the writer. They help us get things off our chest. They're therapeutic. With each entry, we understand ourselves a tiny bit more. We will never truly understand ourselves or others. So why should we read other writers' journals? To me, it's all about privacy.

And watching the past burn, one journal at a time.

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